Tuesday, March 5, 2013

An Ode To...My Husband?

I know that I professed in an earlier post that I am not one to publicly brag on my husband... and I'm not. So I suppose I will look like a hypocrite with this post, but the subject matter is so important for anyone facing infertility, that I'll do it anyway.

When you are a woman dealing with infertility, you feel broken, incomplete, and even worthless in some aspects. You cannot do what most women can. Pregnant women and newborns are constant reminders that you are a failure. This hurts in so many ways, but one of the most painful for me was that I could not have a child for Nick. God gives most women and men the desire to have children-- to physically see the combination of the two of them in love. It is the most beautiful thing.

But when you, as a woman, cannot give that to your partner, it is heartbreaking.

I have mentioned before that the years of infertility were some of my worst. I felt many emotions in that time period: anger, disappointment, depression, hurt-- the list goes on. But here is the deal... Nick stuck by me.

I knew that it was his heart's desire for us to create a child, as it was also mine. But when we got to the point of making a decision, and I couldn't emotionally proceed with fertility treatments-- he was 100% on board with adoption. He didn't care how we became a family.

Infertility broke me-- temporarily. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'm not sure that I would have stuck around had I been Nick. But he did.

I'm not saying that everything was just peachy, as we had to work through a lot of frustrations and emotions. But we worked through them.

Nick never made me feel broken. He never made me feel like "less than a woman." He never made me feel guilty for not pursuing fertility treatments. He never made me feel like we were settling.

He stuck with me through my craziness and my depression. He helped me stand when I couldn't do it alone.

This is soooo extremely important. If you are a man walking beside your woman in the bizarre land of infertility, please support her and make her feel like one in a million-- because it takes a huge toll on a woman's self-worth.

When we started pursuing adoption, Nick was right there. We talked about our future children and were both at peace with our decision to adopt. He was just as excited as I was. When we would see babies of a different race, he would look at me and enthusiastically say,"That could be our baby!"

This sounds so trivial, but it meant everything to me. I realize that there are men out there that couldn't do this. In fact, I have had women tell me that their husbands would never accept an adopted child. This is just reality.

 I know that I got a good man.

My childhood was a bit broken, with divorced and remarried parents. As I explained in a previous post, this taught me that love is not defined by blood.

But Nick grew up in a "normal" family... none of his aunts or uncles are even divorced! So he didn't have the experiences that I did, and yet, he still wholeheartedly jumped in.

I know how extraordinary this is. I know that my first blessing from God was my husband--because when he said "For better or for worse," he meant it.

"...at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh;? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."--Matthew 19:4-6

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