Thursday, January 17, 2013

Infertility: The Deep Dark Hole

I know that I haven't written our entire story yet, but I will. It may take a few posts, but I'll get there. 

I'm trying to address what is on my heart, and today that's this: 

I have 3 wonderful babies now, but there was a dark time in my life, not that long ago, where I struggled daily-- I want that to be known. I know many women are experiencing that right now. That time of the great unknown and a loss of direction, and I want to let you know that you are not alone! 

We went through a lot of doctors visits and consultations. We got to the point where I knew that I had a bicornuate uterus that could not be repaired, and we had to make a decision on what to do. My uterus is so severe that it is almost in two halves. The problem with a pregnancy is that there is not much room to grow so I would be at great risk for preterm labor, which has many issues of its own. 

I researched, read statistics and we met with doctors-- the bottom line was that no one could tell us the outcome. I could possibly carry to term, OR I might not. I couldn't take any fertility drugs because of the risk of multiples-- there was barely room for one baby!

I could do an IUI, hope for just one baby and a full term pregnancy. Some doctors said, "Go for it!" Some said, "no way!"It was the most conflicted I had ever felt in my life.  I had no peace with moving ahead with fertility because if I had a child preterm that had serious issues, I would feel guilty forever. 

I prayed, pleaded, cried, reasoned... but no one could tell me what to do. It was undoubtedly the darkest time of my life. I felt I would never get out of it and never feel like myself again.

People throw around the word "infertility" like it's not a big deal-- but it deals with the physical, emotional, spiritual--every aspect of who you are. It's so hard to comprehend, especially for Type A personalities, because we always find a way to fix things or make them work.  But this couldn't be fixed. 

I finally realized that I had to get back to me-- I had to grieve the fact that I might not have a biological child.  It was a lot of work, but through support and prayers, I did.  I believe that God did a lot of work in me during that time. My husband and I had been praying for direction, and I had been wearing out the keys on my keyboard with all of the research into adoption, surrogacy, and bicornuate uteri-- is that a word? 

In the midst of this turmoil our daughter was conceived at Costco-- yes, you read that right. 

My husband and I went to Costco and he headed to the tire section.  I went and sat at the food tables, as I had zero desire to compare tire treads. I sat down and noticed a lady with a young baby. She was white, and he was African American.

I struck up a conversation with her, and lo and behold, she had adopted him from birth. We talked and talked and when Nick came back, I introduced them and we all talked.  She gave us her name and number and encouraged us to call her with any questions. As we walked out of Costco, we looked at each other and knew that God had just spoken and our first born had just been conceived at Costco.

It was such a relief to just know what we were supposed to do! Such a sense of peace. We did actually meet with her to get more direction on adoption.  People that had been through adoption became our best resource. It wasn't long after that when we actually became parents to our daughter through adoption.

I'll get back to our story later, but my hope for this post is to let women know that infertility and the process that some of us go through to have a family is not fair!  But I can assure you--  you will come out of the rain. And you will be stronger, wiser and so very thankful for the tiny blessing(s) that you recieve. 
I am absolutely 100% in favor of adoption because two pieces of my heart came to me that way. I don't think that it's for everyone and I realize that everyone has their own journey. 

I hope to help support moms to be, no matter how they create their family!


  1. thank you for sharing! i am looking forward to reading more of your posts!

  2. It is amazing how god uses the two going though this process feed off of each others actions to get direction and comfort....looking back there were many instances where God he has spoke to us and we did not even realize it...until now......this time it happened to be that......I needed tires...she needed answers:)

  3. Hi. My husband and I are on a very similar journey to yours. A friend of mine told me about you and gave me your blog info. I also have a blog over at I started it because we get so many questions about why we don't have kids. We have been TTC for 5 years this April. Anyways, I want to bring awareness to people about infertility and adoption. I would love to share some of your posts on my blog if you don't mind. I'm so glad someone shared this with me!

  4. Sure! Just let me know what you would like to share! I will check out your blog! It is such a needed outlet:)